Asparagus Wee

Did you know there are some people on this fine earth who don’t get asparagus wee? I don’t mean they claim not to or they don’t understand it, they actually don’t get it at all. According to (yes, it is real) about half the population of Britain just don’t experience the highs and lows of producing a bizarre and unique smell for a few days after a vitamin-rich meal of lil green spears. And of those who do produce extra odour, some can’t smell it anyway, even in their own leavings. Who knew?

Well anyway, I’ve been listening to that Animal Crossing Hotline Bling thing on repeat for some time now and it’s really getting to me (I’ll admit it here, I’m a sucker for all things internet. Unsurprisingly. Although if you will insist on pushing me to be more specific then it’s all things sarcastic, weird or stupid. Or stoopid. You get it.)

I can rarely have a deep or even decent conversation with anyone over the internet – before long it’s devolved (or evolved) into a battle of gifs, firing back and forth for the most laughs, or in this case the highest number of ‘ha’s, even better if capitalised – but honestly that’s okay. Perhaps it isn’t healthy, but I’d much rather be looking at a panda falling over than confronting any real emotions, wouldn’t you? How British of me.

I’ve seen a lot of poetry recently which champions actually talking about stuff before it’s too late (my particular line of work brings me into contact with a lot of poetry – I’m not that cultured) and for the most part I really do agree with it. Although my experience doesn’t quite match up to these poems, which mostly deal with regret for not having talked frankly about real issues with a loved one while they were alive, but now they’re dead and this beautiful moment of idealistic reconciliation can never be reached. I’m just avoiding talking about a bad day on the internet.

And maybe there’s something in that. Of course we should talk to those we love about what’s troubling us, we should keep them in the loop, and if you don’t have any loved ones, well maybe the talk needs to be about that with someone in a slightly more professional capacity. But do you know what? Sometimes the best way for me to deal with a bad day is to sit on the internet with my friends and laugh at pandas falling over and think that in some mystical way we know more about the secrets of living than they do (that’s another whole discussion). It’s comforting.

What a shock that this became a rant about my inability to confront my feelings. A real bombshell.

Advice: use asparagus wisely. You never know who might be able to smell it – could be your boss, your new girlfriend, your grandma. And that shit stinks.

P.S. also have this to say about asparagus:

“Is asparagus an aphrodisiac? Give it a go and see! We think it is a bit of a goer ourselves…”

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