Mountains of Macaroni Cheese

I wonder whether my sardonic way of writing is well-suited to a blog.

Then again, I have loads of work to do so I’d rather do this instead.

I’ve always loved the idea of writing an advice column. Not least due to the fact that I, of anyone, have so little life experience and absolutely no basis to build solid advice upon or around. Irresponsible? Probably.

I thought today on my way home from work, what advice would I give to a class of school leavers? Something profound – work hard and you will achieve your dreams. Absolutely not. I couldn’t keep a straight face. Something considered – don’t wait for life. Doubtful. I’d only fumble it at the last minute and ruin the poignancy of the moment. Something encouraging – make a positive mark on the world. Unlikely. I just feel too cynical for such clichés.

No, I don’t see it being something which would really help, at least not on the surface. It appears to me like some sort of poor attempt at wit and whimsy which naturally falls flat on its face like “Use your first year of Uni to get drunk – you only have to pass it to stay in.” The problem is that so many people have said this before me and I must admit now to being a big fan of original thought. But then, is anything original anymore? And now we’re right back to the clichés.

So what do you say to a group of young people, younger than you but not by much, who are about to leave the loving arms of the mainstream education system, arms which they are now rejecting, consciously pulling away from, and are casting off into oceans of life which lay beyond? What nugget of information, what glimmer of hope can you offer in a few short words which might make their lives irrevocably easier or transmute their prospects from iron to gold?

As my front door key forced his way roughly and without ceremony into the long-suffering lock, I finally rounded upon one short slice of wisdom, imperfect and incomplete, but better by far than these other options. To all school leavers teetering on the edge of ‘real life’, ready for the dive, I offer you this advice: Don’t be a dick.

And my advice to you, dear, sweet reader: Too many carbs makes a skinny boy uncomfortable.

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